I feel guilty each time i reprimanded Danish.
The feeling of pain each time i yell at him or smack him.
I want to slap myself here and there for such an atrocious behaviour of mine.

I can't controlled my anger whenever he misbehaved.
I know I've changed a lot for the past 3 years.
The Danish that I love and protect him changed ever since the arrival of his brother, Darwisy.

Each time i smacked or yelled at him, I can't bring myself to forgive myself especially when Danish would apologised and said this sentence to me.
"Mummy, Danish sayang mummy tau".
I would melt instantly and hugged him.
I will always reply him, I love you too and I'm sorry.
Are you emotionally hurt? His replied will always be yes.
Will you forgive mummy? Again another yes.
See, that's how i'm hurt too when i hurt him.

My mom knows that i'm facing depression ever since i started working.
And i took a toll on my on growing up sons.
I just hide myself and cry.
I'm not used to hurt my sons before and the scar will always remain permanent in my sons heart.
I'm such a bad mummy, irresponsible mum. Useless.

I will describe myself as an insane maniac woman when it comes to dealing with the sons behaviour.
I will always spare Darwisy but never Danish.
Maybe because i feel Darwisy is still small for my gigantic hands.

My dad said you have not been praying for so long, there is no patience in you.
You flare up easily and i never tell you off cos you are big enough to think.
That's your kids.

When i reflect back, i'm ashamed of my behaviour.
It's very contradicting when i said i love my son but i treat them like shit.

I told myself that from today onwards, i need to balance my family and work.
I have to stop my nonsensical behaviour.
The kids that i have will be with me at least till they are 18.
Afterwards, they are more to their friends.
I must treasure them like a gem.

I'm sorry sons. I love you alot.
Forgive me for being such a idiot.
I know my depression has gone too wild this time.

I really am sorry and i love you more than anyone else would.